The test results are in...

Connor's doctor called today and he has allergies to wheat, rye and eggs. So I either have to go off of them while I'm breastfeeding or switch him to formula. I want to keep nursing but dairy (for his reflux), wheat and eggs are going to be really hard to do all at the same time. Not sure what is best but I'm determined to help this baby feel better and I'm hoping it leads to more sleep for all of us!

It will be interesting to see if he out grows them (they usually do with eggs by their first birthday) but very likely he will have to at least stay gluten free his whole life. That will change my cooking a lot, as in, possibly forever.

Here's the thing I didn't realize till a bit later. If I do go off of all that it pretty much kills all opportunities to eat out and travel! We have been trying to plan some stuff but I can't if I'm on such a restrictive diet. I can't exactly tell my servers no gluten when they barely speak English or pick out things on a menu when it is mostly in Japanese.  I feel like I'm going to miss out on experiencing Japan and taking advantage of being able to travel around Asia while we are here. 

On the other hand I feel a little selfish if I put him on formula. It is the much easier route but it could be better for him in the long run. I just didn't expect to stop breastfeeding like that. I figured it would be because I wasn't making enough or he out grew it. It seems like I'm finding less and less reasons to keep going other then the fact that Connor loves it so much and I like the bonding time it gives us.  

5/17 UPDATE---
When I prayed about whether to go on a even more restrictive diet or to switch Connor to formula I was surprised I got a very quick answer to put him on formula and get him on a controlled diet so we can start getting his allergies under control. At the same time I felt that my heart also broke. I can barely stand the thought that in a few short weeks I'll never get to nurse him again. I can't even stand it. Even writing now it is making me cry again. 

How can I take away the one thing in his mind that comforts him and shows him how much I love him. How can I explain that what I'm doing is for his own good and he will feel better soon. 

After nearly 16 months my body will no longer be the his sustaining force. We have had a lot of ups and downs with nursing but we were finally in a good routine. We worked so hard to get there! 5-6 times a day I was so lucky to get to hold him close and kiss his finders as he played with my mouth. At night I would nurse him to sleep in my arms and there were no tears. When he woke from his reflux I could always nurse him for a while and sooth his pain. 

Now we have to teach him to sleep without that. So before I take too many nursing a away we are letting him "cry it out" in his crib. I sat by his side for an hour last night patting and loving him before he finally succumbed. I don't know a better time to teach him to sleep on his own. We are finally over being sick and he isn't teething anymore. Logan will be here for another week and half and then gone for a month. I can't do this without him. Tonight is Logan's turn to sit with him and even though I'm not the one sitting next to Connor, I'm crying too. I just want to pick him up and let him nurse but that is the one thing I can't do. 

There is too many things having to change suddenly. We are barely in to it and already I know it is going to be so hard for all of us. These changes are so against my nature. I want to be close and be the one to sooth my baby forever.  I feel like I'm making him grow up too soon! And yes I know babies grow up but weaning him at 8 months was not his choice. Making him fall asleep in his crib by himself was not his choice. Being a parent can be hard sometimes.